John Cleese’s Letter to the USA
I received this via email this morning and couldn’t help but propagate it:
To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there’s a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check “aluminium” in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Likewise you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.”
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.” There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.
2. There is no such thing as “U.S. English.” We’ll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’.
3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as ‘Taggart’ will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1.
5. You should stop playing American “football.” There’s only one kind of football. What you call American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays “American” football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
You should stop playing baseball. It’s not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.
7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”
8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t French, they’re Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer.” Substances once known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
11. The UKwill harmonise petrol prices (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UKpetrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).
12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you’re not adult enough to be independent. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
* John Cleese
[Basil Fawlty, FawltyTowers, Torquay, Devon, England]
John Cleese Reclaims English Language from the USA
I have been a life-long admirer of the majestic “English” language and one of their greatest products; the humour of John Cleese. Here is a letter from John Cleese [Basil of Fawlty Towers] written to the citizens of the USA. Enjoy:
Well now isn’t this a fine display of British snobbery.
Quite frankly I find his reasoning Fawlty.
Am I the only one who noticed that these folks no longer say they are from Great Britain? Apparently they have fully accepted they ain’t so great and grand. Now, they are from the U.K. meaning United Kingdom.
I think a class action lawsuit is in order for making claims of unity in their kingdom, can you spell I.R.A.?
And to get back on topic isn’t it a bit strange that Mr. Cleese comes from a supposedly united country and is lecturing on pronunciation where they have about 58,093 dialects and accents? Agreement on pronunciation? Hah!
I think his umbreller got out of whack in the warshaing machine. He accuses you Yanks (I’m Canadian where we are much purer in speech of course)of removing letters like “u” but what about adding letters like an r to washing or umbrella? What’s with that?
Are any of you aware of that deal over there (I think the movie Snatch by Mr. Madonna has an example or two?) where they say upstairs which means part your hair or Barney Rubble which means your in trouble or some such rot.
Speaking of which what is up with “rot”, I’m a bachelor and I know about rot in relationship to my refrigerator, but what does it have to do with other things, old chap?
And sports criticism. Well as far as I can see that is the marijuana calling the kettle black, old bean. Is everyone old over there? Besides their dottering old monarch? As a Canadian I am qualified to comment we still have the old dear doing nothing for us too.
Is there anything in sports (besides badmintion and darts which were probably both invented in the Old Country)more ridiculous than cricket.
And sir your supercilious, santimonious, sermonizing ain’t quite criket over here in Camerica. What the hell does cricket have to do with things not being quite cricket?
I wish you brits would get it right and call it soccer, we have a whole social class of soccer moms, sir, are we supposed to mess with their identity?
It’s true that “football” is a European originated sport. Oh yeah, we love sports where a bunch of crybabies run up and down a field most of them not even touching the ball, fall down when a gust of wind comes up, act like they just received shrapnel, and end up with a 0 - 0 tied score. Breathtaking!
Try as I might I have no idea why you would present that dysfunctional royal family as something to covet a relationship with. I figure your going for a knighthood like Sir Elton or Sir McCartney who have certainly made the world a safer place to live - between jousing and rescuing damsels in distress.
And what is with the Brits are so great and to prove it you cite German cars and French fries. Anyone who has ever dined on English cuisine (an oxymoron?) understands and if you owned an old Vauxhall or Jaguar oh yeah, Johnny boy, dependability is the first thing that comes to mind.
Thankfully American auto manufacturers are coming to the Un-United Kingdom and straightening out your mess.
And what kind of commie pinko fag would speak out against guns? Go peel a potato buddy.
What kind of an idiot would not want to protect themself against the lovely American passtimes of drive by shootings, car jackings and home invasions, sheesh.
Oh yeah and contract negotiations between rappers.
I am with you on that gnat-piss deal. Us Canadians can teach the world about beer you hoser.
But that Guiness crap is like drinking motor oil.
Speaking of which I love your comments about gas prices as if this is something to aspire to. I’m sure the good people of Utahshire are impressed.
As to JFK’s assassin? It has been well covered up but it was Bond - James Bond, the man with a licence to kill. Lovely designation you English people have. Political intrigue indeed.
Well I will close out my defence of my neighboring country who still think that 3 miles on the U.S. side of their northern border is moderate weather but another 3 miles north is 10 months of winter and 2 months of bad skiing.
Basil you prating purveyor of prose, a podium pounding, pontificator, them Yanks kicked your prissy English asses once before over taxes I believe and independence. Basil, you poof, your war has ended before it started, so back off!
It’s no longer the red coats marching honorably against the blue coats. It is Uzi’s being fired from crack shacks. Go home before you get hurt where the cops carry clubs instead of armor piercing bullets like regular people.
And what is with Scotland Yard, is it outdoors?
The original letter sounds like every other chain email and hoax, and I’d be willing to bet 1£ sterling that it is.
It very well may be, but who knows. If you know John Cleese and can verify it, have him drop me an email!
Yea, it’s a joke. Not a real funny one.
Look it up at Snopes
I’m afraid that the perplexing ignoramous on the first reply does not seem to realise that john cleese is infact a famous English comedian. Furthermore, he does not seem to “get” the british sense of humour. As a result, his reply leaves whatever credibility he may have had in a very embarrassing state of affairs, Oh dear.
I agree. As per Chad’s comment though, it seems to be fake as per the interesting history on Snopes. John, definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed that morning.
“And what kind of commie pinko fag would speak out against guns? Go peel a potato buddy.
What kind of an idiot would not want to protect themself against the lovely American passtimes of drive by shootings, car jackings and home invasions, sheesh.”
a country WHERE THOSE THINGS DONT HAPPEN, because we SPEAK AGAINST GUNS dumbass, oh btw, cricket may be a stupid sport, but at least other countrys play it a lot
i agree on the football comment, note i said football: why can’t america get it’s own name, like one that actually reflected the game well, last i checked, you mostly threw or carried the ball in your “football”
Umm guys, This has been around since 2000 - and has been proven, beyond doubt, that it in fact was not written by John Cleese.
And as an Australia I must say that we out do all others in the areas of beer, sport (considering the size of our population, a meager 20 million and five different codes of football) and our ability to adapt to both english and ‘american’ english.
Have a wonderful day.
Americans can’t handle the truth. The point of it is your government is useless as is the UK’s and most countries. You shouldn’t be allowed BIG cars and BIG guns because you DO NOT use them wisely. America’s schools teach mostly American history which is adapted to make Americans more patriotic. This also means some Americans cannot actually point to countries like Belgium on a map!
PS. Football is by far the best sport in the world and the whole world knows it including the entire continent of South America but not USA. USA has more interesting ways to entertain.
A2daK
Reply to: “And what kind of commie pinko fag would speak out against guns? Go peel a potato buddy.
What kind of an idiot would not want to protect themself against the lovely American passtimes of drive by shootings, car jackings and home invasions, sheesh.”
This Canadian is obviously a dumbass as verified by this statement, thus is ineligible to comment on this essay. The reason why, is, of course, because if guns were not legal, there would BE none of the above. That is the whole point of John Cleese saying that. If there are any “Americans” reading this then you had better be prepared to think hard on the following… The only reason there are drive by shootings, car jackings, and the like is that guns are legal in the United States. It isn’t like marijuana, and if guns were outlawed like they are in Europe and Japan, then even criminals like people who would jack your car or commit bank robberies, would not have guns either. Thus there would be no reason to protect yourself from them. In other civilised countries, like the UK, nobody you talk to would ever think of owning a gun, and there are no ghettos!!! The places in the US where you don’t leave your home for fear of street violence don’t exist in the UK, because the only violence that happens, is people stabbing each other. You are not going to get hit by a stray knife. The reason for this is that people in the UK understand that you can live even more safely if there are no guns around. Thus no one is stupid enough to get one on the black market, and there is no black market. The police really do not carry guns, because they do not have to defend themselves against people shooting at them. Plus if any of you reading this have ever been in law enforcement, then you know that shooting a criminal is the last resort taken and leads to a mountain of paperwork and an investigation. UK policemen thus don’t shoot people. There is never anyone shooting at them, or at anyone else, and shooting is a waste of life. If the guy can only hit you with a blunt or sharp object, then all you ever need to do is the same thing. Keep in mind that the SAS (the British Military) has more or less every piece of killing equipment that the US Military has, and still manages to keep it out of the civilian population. Also in regards to the number of accents in the UK, that doesn’t change the fact that Americans all pronounce English words incorrectly, EVEN COLLEGE EDUCATED ONES. Cleese is talking about people who know how to speak correctly, and all English people who meet this criterion pronounce words correctly, regardless of their accent. Furthermore, baseball evolved from cricket, so trash-talking cricket is trash-talking baseball as well. One last thing, those “cry-baby” soccer players can actually run for more than three seconds before stopping. Not to mention kick baseball players’ asses.
lets get somethings clear first of all language the proper brit has a number of different ways of pronouncing the sch sound ie. school, schedule, and schultz.
now the issue of gun control. for the past few years parlament has argued arming the local police with guns since the police are getting caped on a rate proportionatly with that of this country. however since only the yard and criminals have guns they are able to hide that statistic in other areas.
also lets bring up unsolved crime. jack the ripper remember him.
now the issue of driving on the left side. only three areas drive on the left side of the road. Japan, Austrila, and Great Britian so their superier attitude is they are right and the rest of the world is wrong. pooh.
oh and the statement united kingdom. lets see irland wants its independence. scotland just got their on parlament. and now wales is asking for self determination.
now the last part. her majasty, and family are we yanks the only ones who realize that randy does not look like his father and brothers. how about the fact when lady spencer married prince charles, alot was made about the fact that she was a virgin and the press knew that was a lie but said nothing. would look bad on the royals was the reason. here the royal family had the best tutors pounds can by and they only manage to place avarage in school.
so in essence like most comiediens they choose to miss the truths they want. while the artical is funny, truth is not relevant to the facts they want to expouse.
As Niether an American nor a Brit, I would just like to say
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH that was halarious.
Oh and Dan, I know its hard to belive but outside of the US, Not many people like na LOVE Guns.
Finaly both nations have issues so why to go to a place that takes the best of both worlds.
ALL Move to Australia.
Rgs
R
this letter is bloody brilliant. i compleatly agree with R as i am also an Aussie.
and as for if john cleese wrote this letter… who really cares. its exactly what thousands of australians and others around the world believe when it comes to america.
If John thought about it for a moment, he would realize all of the UK would be speaking German today if not for America. John, kiss my red, white and blue arse.
The original letter was written to be humorous. It is a British pastime to make fun of those less fortunate than ourselves. Normally we would poke fun at our European counterparts across the channel, the French being the main target of our ridicule. However the Americans became a target as soon as they put themselves on a pedestal by electing a no brained idiot who had no concept of a world outside Texas let alone the USA.
Some of the initial comments made by our colonial cousin in Canada are true, football or soccer is played by over paid lady boys.
And yes, as a nation we are grateful to the assistance the American people gave us during the 2nd World War. However as we are all aware, the Soviet Union accounted for over 70% of the destruction of the German forces during that conflict. It was also a lack of foresight and a little ignorance that the then American president ignored the warnings of the greatest man ever in the 20th Century, Winston Churchill, concerning the continued fight in French Indo China instead of letting the Soviet Union create a sphere of influence that ultimately led to two rather nasty altercations with which the Americans were left with the proverbial egg on their faces.
As for today’s conflict in the Middle East and in Afghanistan, the quickest way the Americans can end those conflicts is ensure that all enemy combatants use clearly identified British or Canadian equipment as the Americans have a higher percentage of destroying said equipment.
So take it as it is meant to be, all in good humour, and wind your red necks in.
God Save the Queen
It is a joke.
And a damn funny one.
Anyone who took that seriously and went on to slander the British really do need to get lives and fast.
America isn’t good for the Earth.
Bush himself is proving that.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
The Queen is a joke along with the rest of “Royalty”. As for you my dear Emma……..I would rather live in America than any other country in the world. Hail to our chief….GW Bush
My dear Jackie,
You are obviously from the redneck bible south. Why don’t you go back to your incestuous ways and leave the real world to those who have experienced it.
We all know that you are indeed bitter because you are generally regarded as fuckwits to the outside world. Even the French find you laughable.
As Emma rightly pointed out, it is a satirical joke. A JOKE!!!!
Now I hope you can understand that the civilized parts of the world today are due to the remnants of the British Empire, the areas of instability are more to do with a botched American attempts at empire building.
I cannot wait for the day when the Americans will try and resolve the issues in Zimbabwe (Oh they won’t, no oil).
On the issue of living in America, I would consider it as it is quite a magnificent country.
The same principal applies to the English as it does to the Americans. Individually they are approachable and generally nice people (mainly). However collectively they are walking advertisements for mass sterilization.
Remember, God Save the Queen.
Laughing here!!! Chris, you have made my day, thank you for that. I am not from the south, but I am a Christian and don’t mind telling you one bit. I realize this letter is a joke. I suppose having lost my dad and two uncles in WWII tends to make me a true patriot in my heart. Yes, God Save the Queen…..and for the record, my grandparents moved to America in 1913….leaving behind their English roots. Thanks again for the chuckle, you heve made your point.
A God Fearing Christian eh. I must commend you on your convictions.
I have also had relatives lost in various conflicts over the years.
Take care, and if the time should come when we become satirical towards the French, I’ll drop you a line………..
Your dear Emma?
Lol.
Yeah ok, call the Queen and her monarchy a joke. True, their power was diminished when Parliament was instated. However, at least they’re still here, if not as a tourist attraction than as a reminder of our history and where we come from.
I don’t see how you can take a joke which is clearly doused in satire so seriously.
Your country is one that is refusing to become “green” so i’m not exactly sympathetic towards America, as great a country as it is.
The fact of the matter is, if you want to discuss stuff like that, go join a forum related to it instead of getting political over a joke.
That’s one thing that needs to be addressed in America. You all get weepy over something that’s slightly politically incorrect.
In the full version of this letter, point number 4 is:
“4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.”
So there you go.
It all makes sense.
And i’m not having a go here, or saying I dislike Americans. I’m just saying this is somewhere to discuss and appreciate a joke by a fantastic comedian and you’re kicking it all out of proportion.
Plus, you’re probably all adults and should have something better to do than argue over it.
I’m English and have never found John Cleese the least bit funny.
I think we British delude ourselves into thinking we have this great sense of humour because no one else gets it, if it’s stupid enough it must be funny.
P.S. I hate cricket too.
That is a fucking great piece of writing!!!! Only one thing’s been left out… Don’t the people from the states know that AMERICA is actually a CONTINENT???? They keep on calling themselves Americans and their country America, when the real America is made up of a lot more countries. Being from Argentina, I know that… and it gets on my nerves!!!
The original was a joke. The comments are not.
I’d just like to defend football (soccer) for a moment. I realise that many Americans do not grasp the concept, having only gained a view from other Americans and not from actually watching it.
Football is a game where the object is to kick a round leather ball into one ‘goal’ and stop the other team from doing it to you. Along the way there are various other rules such as ‘handball’ and ‘offside’, but I won’t bother explaining.
This belief shared by many Americans that footballers are nancy boys who cry as soon as they have somebody move within ten feet of them is a LIE. That is European (mostly Spanish, Italian and French) football, and actually we English hate it as much as you do. REAL football is a very physically demanding game involving skill and strength, and in England if you get knocked over it’s tough, get up and get on with it. As Cristiano Ronaldo discovered when he moved here, he needed to change his style of play or he would have to get out again pretty sharpish. Diving is not acceptable at all, and we English hate it even more than you Americans - I cite the fact that we have been knocked out of many competitions due to it.
In case you want to complain about it anyway, or say that your ‘football’ is correctly termed but ours is not, I would like to point out that football soccer was actually invented before we even discovered your country, so as you like to say with your aluminium argument, we discovered it, we named it, get used to it.
There [pants], I’ve done my rant.
Florencia….Are you an illegal Mexican immigrant? Hmmmmm, yes, that would explain your ignorance and foul mouth. Go kiss your mama with that mouth and get back in your truck and then…….head south of the border amigo!
I think it’s very funny but I would like to see an American comedian’s reply to it. I’m sure it would be just as funny.
I think Most Amercans find this letter hilarious, It’s just a joke and we can find plenty of funny things to say about the Britt’s.
I’d just like to point out as well to John at the top that he is wrong on a particular point - Great Britain and the United Kingdom are two different things. Great Britain is the island of England, Scotland and Wales, whereas the United Kingdom is Great Britain and Northern Ireland. So pah.
Live, Love and Laugh. Oh, and drink beer - whether your preference is Guiness, Budweiser or Moosehead.
In the event you don’t care for beer, you’re more than welcome to help yourself to some coffee, tea or juice.
A couple of facts to go with your refreshments:
It’s the Canadian way
Also the Canadian way
1.Most of us (regardless of nationality), have reasonably good manners - as well as a sense of humour or humor (as you prefer).
2.Language is something that is constantly evolving - there are those that regret the loss of concisely formulated thoughts expressed beautifully. For these suffering souls, we offer the consolation of the written word.
3.Recognition of excellence, whether it be in thought, action or deed has been assigned to many different nationalities and has offered most human beings a glimpse of what we can be.
And last, but certainly not least …
there isn’t a single nation, country or people, who can stand and be proud of their past - at least not any whose integrity is intact and whose knowledge is relatively extensive.
We can certainly be less ashamed with the changes we have made, however woefully short of successful they may be.
Striving leads to succeeding. Laughing and loving makes striving more enjoyable for all.
The anonymous writer of the article on revocation listed above … made me laugh.
[…] http://www.secretweaponlabs.com/words/2005/10/john-cleeses-letter-to-the-usa/ […]
Jackie, what you said is completely ridiculous for a number of reasons:
- You assume Florencia is an immigrant, even though she hasn’t even mentioned living in the USA. Has it occurred to you that countries not classed as MEDCs (rich countries) have internet access too?
- You thought Florencia was a MEXICAN immigrant, even though she clearly stated that she’s from ARGENTINA. Contrary to popular belief (or just your belief, really), they are actually separate countries. Go look at a map. I think you will find that they aren’t even near each other.
- If we assume that Florencia is a Mexican immigrant, what makes you so sure she’s an illegal immigrant? There is such a thing as legal immigrants too.
- Oh, and Mexican immigrants = foul mouths and ignorance? Yeah, that is what the rest of us call STEREOTYPING. It’s ok, I understand the difficulty you have there. It’s a long word.
On a lighter note, I love this article, it’s hilarious, even if it probably wasn’t written by John Cleese.
ROFLMAO………….Obviously you didn’t read what I said Rachel. That’s OK, perhaps you can’t read. Rachel, please return to your native country immediately.